Ideals of being here, being there or whichever fits best.

I am wrong. I have been stupid, lost two months on my life scared, hidden in a corner.
It felt like forever.

I am not going back to that, never mind that. What matters is that I managed to get through by one single idea. Giving up, saying 'It won't happen in high school. Wait for college.'
You know what that is, really?
That is increibly dumb and stupid.
It's a mistake.

I am not even trying that, I am giving up hope, somehow. I am giving up acceptance on hope. I'll deny there's something inside of me, I'll block it, I'll asfixiate it until that hope dies.
It can't live inside of me, there's no space for that kind of hope, the romantic hope and myself.

I know, readers, some will think it is terribly stupid, again but you're wrong.
I had this ideals of life, of a way of having it and getting it that made me hurt at some point. In elementary school, I waited for tomorrow in middle school, in middle school or junior, whatever, I waited for high school.
It didn't happen. It won't, I am nearly sure it won't.
So my hopes about that are on the floor and rolling in the deep.
Hopefully.

But I realized I waited for college. I woke up yesterday and heard a voice in my mind: 'College will be different.'
Bleh, wake up you idiot.
It will not.
So take this:
In college you'll have to drive far and maybe stay in campus for hours, you'll learn to enjoy it, you will have your spot to sit and read. You will see the school through different seasons, you'll sit on the grass and watch people as you have always done. You will make your best effort, a real one, even when you don't want to.
It's your only chance to make your dreams come true.
Friends you say? I don't know. You're gonna suffer for some and have moments of joy.
You'll probably be as confusing but you'll at least have fun. You'll have to do projects, go places. Not far until later years.
What about romance? Hmm, inexistant. Sorry, dear.

¡STAY POSITIVE!
DEAL WITH IT.

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you hold back or hide from the light.

(..) But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me
It isn't over.

Don't forget me, I begged, I remembered you said:
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

I tried. I tried to fight away the ghost, the fear. I tried to pull away from darkness and walk my way.

There was a point where I didn't believe, I didn't believe in anything and of course, this means, I didn't believe in myself. Never, that's a sin.

That's where I was wrong.

Never.

I am wrong in so, so many ways. I tried to control everything around me from exploding away. I tried to hold the energy of a bomb between my hands.

You, I was wrong with you. I pleaded you to let me manage things, I asked you to let me cool down.

You didn't heard.

I was burned and there was fire. Everything turned into fire.

I don't even care if you are reading this right now, I just don't.

I cried, I cried because of you, because you were worth it. You're one of the few.

And I don't care, your fault, my fault. It's all the same.

I am way too weak to keep fighting, I am getting sick, my troath, my knees, my heart.