Sunny days.

I thought that having a broken heart was terrible. It is. Being in pain, suffering, feeling lost and unlove.
But I realized that even though It was the darkest moment, it's precisely hard to walk into the sun, being sure the sunlight will burn your eyes more than any day.
That takes guts.
So I am proud for trying. Even though sheepishly, I am still out in the sun.

It goes on & on & on and... on.

Hello everyone! haha bad habits die hard.
Did you realize today it's  22? ITS OFFICIAL! Autumn is finally here!
Yeeii.
I hope I am not the only excited by this season. Yes, spring makes me feel like blooming, summer makes my eyes go blind, my skin go darker. Fall. Fall seems cozy and warm.
Warm clothing -wine red/ burgundy is so in not only this year but every fall- and oh, I just have no idea why I love it so much.
It seems promising and as the picture said- yes, I am explaining the picture- it's my perfect pretext to try, again.
I am the type who needs special ocassions, what better that the so loved autumn? Even if in my country its gonna be extremely hot, as always, I can at least try new fashion tendencies with color mixture.
Let's pray for a warm -not in the sunny way, not literally- heat of red and orange colors, the promise of a better tomorrow and even a better day to come!

Even if everyone's sure I gave up.

I know the truth to be other. I haven't. I can't find comfort in giving up. What good would that do? Then truly everything would be lost, right now it's just me.

And things can change, I still believe that.
It's only that I am tired of waiting. I have been waiting on a station, for so long I barely remember. It may not be that long... but yet, time has lost meaning somehow.
Before, when my arrival to the station was recent, I was filled with excitement every other second, knowing, being sure that anytime, every single second was an opportunity for the train that would come pick me up.

Where would it lead? I didn't know but I did knew. It would be somewhere new, different and exciting. It would lead to a better tomorrow... it felt like waiting for a space shuttle about to take off to the stars.

Can you imagine how much energy was spent? Every other second, without giving up on hopes, for days, weeks, months. Right now it has been, at least, a year.

There is no one around. People come into the station, into the platform with me but maybe five or six have actually set eyes on me. They come, they wait and even though there has been no train, they leave and not alone. And all this, I know, for I have been watching them.

It was impossible for me to stand still, 'minding the gap'. I did it anyways, for about six months. Then, I began noticing people.

And some people began noticing me.

Girls, boys about my age, younger, older walked in. They traveled in every possible way: alone, in pairs, groups, and in couples.

I have seen people grow together and grow apart. I have seen families breaking and getting back. I even dare say I have met friends, family and people who became special; yet, I am not satisfied.

After the the first nine months or ten, my knees were weak. They began rusting so I backed off and sat on an empty chair, noticing that sometimes, the platform would be alone, if not for me. Yes, not one single soul besides me.

It began getting chilly by then but my company were the sounds that came from the outside.

Every now and then, I would hear whistles and the sweet sound of a flute, people chatting and shouting and laughing and then silence would eat the sound away and then everything was calm, again.

I soon got tired of sitting, by when I knew every hole and mark on the wall, when I knew at what time it would began getting cold, when I knew the time of the sweet melodies and noise.

Day by day it was getting colder, I don't remember the difference between my hopes getting cold or my sould, I just knew I had to move.

It was the biggest train station ever, I discovered later the same month, because I could walk different ways and still get lost and found sometime later. The bright, white brick walls became blue and yellow and colorful. My friends would come in somedays and walk around with me, talk and chit-chat about their lives but then, walking around, I met someone.

A young men with soft and deep honey eyes. He had such a beautiful smile.

In time, we grew closer for he showed interest in me. Slowly, I began de-rusting and rusting again. Old layers of rust fell down as new ones came by.
And he had became as constant as my rust.
And as I have told him and the friends who come around and stay around and to my family. I will not give up. Yes, I am desesperatedly tired of waiting, it feels useless somedays but that energy did not dissapear. It's hiding, sleeping.
So rise and shine, and try again for good things come to those who know how to wait.

Weakest of the chain.

She sat on the bed, quitely, holding a book in her lap, silent.
He looked at her for a minute and then sat besides her, his head hanging low. -Hey... -She said nothing, didn't move. It was as if nothing had happened.
He cleared his troath and tried again.
-I am sorry, about... well, I shouldn't have gotten angry.
-It's fine.
Again, she didn't move. Her lips moved for less than a fraction of minute and then got back to their statue state.
He felt a sudden rush of anger fill him up, again.
-What I am trying to say it's that, whatever you do, it's your business, not mine.
A minute went through, his breathing had gotten faster and he could feel his heart hitting his rib cage.
She wasn't reading any more, he could see it. She was looking at the page distracted, until she finally raised her head. Their eyes met and he felt his insides falling down slowly and painfully while noticing her brown eyes were cold, it was as if the heat he always found comforting had vanished and turned cold. It was worst than ice.
-What do you want me to say?
He shivered. Her inside cold was enough to make him shiver and yet, his anger seemed fast melting that cold.
-Well, anything! I do not expect you to sit still while I am asking you to-
-To what? To forgive you? To say things will be fine? Really? I just said that.
-You didn't mean it.
He said now laying on the bed, inside the covers and closing his eyes.
-That's better, trust me. You don't want to hear-
-I do.
-You do?- she sighed- You want to know it? FINE. I am angry, I got angry. Happy?
-Not really.
He turned on his side, breathing heavily and pretending to sleep. She wouldn't buy it, he was angry, way too angry to fall easily asleep.
-I just can't believe you... ugh.
-You can't believe what? You shouldn't be spending your time, you should be attending school. You're losing it for nothing.
He sat on the bed, this time not sitting next to her, but in front of her, his back turned on to her. He couldn't see her face but he knew he had done something. It had been wrong.
-I wouldn't expect you to understand.
This time it was different, the tone of her voice. It was. He recognized the pain and regret took over the anger.
-I... What is there that I wouldn't understand?
He wanted to turn around and face her, he wanted to comfort her, he wanted to hug her. He also wanted to keep distance between them.
At first, she didn't answer and when he decided she wouldn't answer, when he was turning to face her, she turned her face away, a hand quickly traveling to her cheek but not fast enough to hide that shiny tear.
He melted. He hated hurting her, he hated it.
-I...
-It's fine. I'm sorry, I was stupid and got carried away. I shouldn't...
-No. I shouldn't be judging you, you have every right to feel... the way you feel..- He got close to her, pushing himself close with his arms and hands and reaching her, his hands easily found the well known way to her body, to her waist.
He held her, she breathed soflty, calming and containing the feelings that arose.
-Let's make a deal.- she said, pushing him soflty by the chest. He obediently got away and looked at her confused and anxious at the time.
He shook his head.
-I... I will make my best effort, from now on... but you, have to promise me that you won't ask and, won't be that rough on me again.
-Rough?- he said stubbornly and then agreed, hugging her again. Now she hugged him back.- If you want that... I just need to know you'll be... you will be.
-You look after me. I am, I will be... I am going to manage.

Regrets collect like old friends.

I have been such an idiot. Everything that keeps me punished to this ground, everything. It has to go, today, tonight and forever. For good.

People say "you'll never forget your first love". Well, you weren't. You won't be. I won't let you.
All this time, all the pain that has been kept inside of me for ages, through the times. I promise, I don't like to complain but, you deserve the truth. As we all do. As I did, even if it has taken me all this time.
I am not late. The pressure, people, society and my memories have made me feel so. I am not.
I am not special and lonely, I just don't settle for anything and I can say, I am proud.

When I met you, when I first met your pretty green eyes, yes. I did, I fell so hard I crashed in the floor. You were sweet, were, before. You were smart and brilliant. For all this years, there have been days when closing my eyes, I have seen you. The last perfect memory I keep of you, inches away from each other, your misterious eyes in front of me. I could feel you breathing, I could see you smile.
We were children. Then, yes. Then I grew up and you didn't. You made me hurt when you left me, talking behind my back... yet, I felt young and with a large road to walk.

Since then, I don't remember anything else. Blurry memories of old, forgotten crushes. Yet, when the object that has made such wound has been forgotten, the scar has left a mark in my skin.
But I walked, I managed to walk in the darkest night. Yet, lately, I see no road, no path, I see nowhere else left to go.
I do not blame you, neither do I blame everyone who came after you. I blame myself. For not walking straight, heading front, rising my chin.
I am not specific, like everyone believes. I do not settle for anyone.

I do not regret the moment when I said I would forget you, when I forgot everyone else. I regret the moment when I promised I'd carry a dead weight, when I swore that I was useless for every single person in the world.
I am not and, you are not my first love. You never loved me back. Never said so.... you never did.
So I finally feel sure, I don't want to be a ghost living in the past. I want to be flesh and bones, living in the future. I have to try, finally, to get rid of you and everyone and everything.
I do not expect things to change in the morning, not tomorrow but, maybe If I make an effort tomorrow, and the day after, and the week, and the month... maybe then I'll get the change I want, the change I need.
What I need is to remember the road, the way ahead again. What I need to remember is why on earth did I tried so much.
Because I have to keep on living.

I am done with my graceless heart.

Today I had to go to school, formal clothes. You have no bloody idea, for someone who shops so frequently, it seemed normal to think you could find about anything in my wardrobe. Well... nope.

So now, I am obsessed. Every girl should have a dress and color blouses -even if it's one only, a plain dress (black, gray, blue) and a soft pink/blue pastel blouse- even I. I will, I am sure. Be sure people.

I learned something this week, aside from the fashion thingy oh! and I will make a manual: "How to dress formal; according to ocassions." Some people really need... well, we shall learn, everyone.

I leave you a couple of pictures taken in school, fooling around with a friend's camera and leave you as well with what I learned this week.

Somedays, days that you consider are, will be amazing, end up being horrible and days considered, thought and promised to be horrible, end up being great.

Things do change. Just not when you hope they will.

Jacket-Shoes: Primark

Trousers: Beige- Bershka

Maybe someday I'll give you guys a tour around school.