Regrets collect like old friends.

I have been such an idiot. Everything that keeps me punished to this ground, everything. It has to go, today, tonight and forever. For good.

People say "you'll never forget your first love". Well, you weren't. You won't be. I won't let you.
All this time, all the pain that has been kept inside of me for ages, through the times. I promise, I don't like to complain but, you deserve the truth. As we all do. As I did, even if it has taken me all this time.
I am not late. The pressure, people, society and my memories have made me feel so. I am not.
I am not special and lonely, I just don't settle for anything and I can say, I am proud.

When I met you, when I first met your pretty green eyes, yes. I did, I fell so hard I crashed in the floor. You were sweet, were, before. You were smart and brilliant. For all this years, there have been days when closing my eyes, I have seen you. The last perfect memory I keep of you, inches away from each other, your misterious eyes in front of me. I could feel you breathing, I could see you smile.
We were children. Then, yes. Then I grew up and you didn't. You made me hurt when you left me, talking behind my back... yet, I felt young and with a large road to walk.

Since then, I don't remember anything else. Blurry memories of old, forgotten crushes. Yet, when the object that has made such wound has been forgotten, the scar has left a mark in my skin.
But I walked, I managed to walk in the darkest night. Yet, lately, I see no road, no path, I see nowhere else left to go.
I do not blame you, neither do I blame everyone who came after you. I blame myself. For not walking straight, heading front, rising my chin.
I am not specific, like everyone believes. I do not settle for anyone.

I do not regret the moment when I said I would forget you, when I forgot everyone else. I regret the moment when I promised I'd carry a dead weight, when I swore that I was useless for every single person in the world.
I am not and, you are not my first love. You never loved me back. Never said so.... you never did.
So I finally feel sure, I don't want to be a ghost living in the past. I want to be flesh and bones, living in the future. I have to try, finally, to get rid of you and everyone and everything.
I do not expect things to change in the morning, not tomorrow but, maybe If I make an effort tomorrow, and the day after, and the week, and the month... maybe then I'll get the change I want, the change I need.
What I need is to remember the road, the way ahead again. What I need to remember is why on earth did I tried so much.
Because I have to keep on living.